we had ourselves a little Alley cat here in Gville last weekend.
Pretty and i figured we'd roll out to it on Sunday and pedal around a little, but little did we know what was in store. My death rattle still hasn't left me alone, despite my steady whiskey meds, so i wasn't figuring on it being much of a showing for me. Pretty was balls deep in a multi week bender and looking the part nicely. The night before the race we ended up in women's clothing at 4 am, just to set the scene for y'all. lucky the race didn't start till 330, and we needed that sleep.
1:00pm- I stumbled out of bed with a sweet case of the beer shakes and almost threw up in the shower from coughing.
i like to keep myself in optimal race fitness at all times. bonedeth.
2:30pm- roll up to the start and have a high life tall boy with pretty to get our carbs in. pretty's rolling hard on his giant carbon road bike, as are fisher and the tobinator. I decided to put a 32-12 on my SS and call it good the day before. i don't even pump up the knobbys. i am regretting this decision now as i am the only mtb signed up. i am stupid.
3:30pm- Race starts. i sprint like hell, taking every cut thru, curb hop, and stair drop i can find hoping the roadies will follow and consequently be killed. i cough a lot and don't see anybody after the first 2 minutes because of my route. this is awesome. my gear hurts a lot climbing the parking garage to the second checkpoint, so i resort to screaming like an ape while i climb. this works well and i pass an Asian sensation on his aerospoke equipped fixie.
4:00pm- i haven't really seen anyone for most of the race, but i figure its because I'm using every trail cut thru i know and going for the checkpoints with the most points only. Little do i know that Pretty is averaging about 50 mph and eating scenesters he finds along the way for energy while he hits every checkpoint in the race.
4:25pm- I finally make it back to the pits to turn in my tickets, only to be informed that i can only turn in 3 at a time, not sets of three. I'm told if i can sprint to the hippodrome and back in five minutes with one more ticket, they'll accept my other three that i already have in my pocket, but not the one for the hipp. i sprint off and and halfway there before i realize how stupid i am. i could have just ridden around the block and turned in my other three tickets. oh well, nobody ever said i was smart...
4:30pm- I fly back into the pit, almost going over the bars and give them my last three tickets, including the one from the hipp. nope, i didn't turn around. that would be like trying to pull a u turn in a funny car at full blast.
4:32pm- I finish my first beer from the keg and go looking for Pretty.
4:33pm- I find pretty as we both finish our second beers. we decide neither of us won and decide we are OK with it because there's a keg of beer and a bunch of our friends are there.
5:00ish pm- Time starts to slip away. Action makes us go outside for the awards ceremony. Pretty and Ian are out there yelling and screaming like retards and people are looking at them funny. Some girl starts talking to me about my bike. she tells me singlespeed mountain bikes are stupid and i stop listening to her. she continues to talk at me for 10 minutes until i just walk away. i hate her and think she must be Gabe's twin. i am very drunk at this point.
Sometime pm- Somebody starts calling Pretty's real name out. It turns out he won first place. people are amazed. They look at his deeply tanned thighs and Jack Johnson like face in awe. I explain to a scenester that pretty harnesses his power from his tan lines. he looks at me like I'm a retard. at this point they call my name for second place. Boom! people seem sad when they hear that i rode a mtn bike, but i don't care.
So anyways, i ended up with a t shirt and some socks and pretty won a Villin track frame. fuck yeah! we drank ourselves stupid on free beer and walked away with the top two spots. not bad for couple of retards!
dano out.
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